Toon Patrol and the Deformant
by Comickazi13
Summary: NEWLY UPDATED! Name's Twinkle Toes. I'm an informant. Or at least I was until these bozos called "The Toon Patrol" caught me snoopin' around ACME factory. Great. Whaddid I get myself into now!
1. Twinkle Toes the Informant

**CHAPTER ONE**

I looked up at the huge factory. Neon lights flashing on the side announced that it was the "ACME Warehouse." I turned to my client.

"Ya sure this is the place?" I asked. I liked having my facts straight.

"I hired you as an informant, Twinkle Toes," my client replied icily. "You're supposed to get answers, not ask questions." I shrugged my shoulders and held out my paw. "No payment 'til you tell me what I wanna know."

"Wasn't askin' ya ta pay me," I glowered. "It's a tradition of mine to shake the client's hand before I do a job." The client looked at me skeptically, but shook my paw.

I saluted, pulled my black newsies cap over my eyes, and started to maneuver up a pile of boxes on the side of the building. Scurrying along the stone walls at a personal-record-breaking pace, I found a window. Unfortunately, it was locked. A minor setback. All that meant was that I had to use my tools. I had hoped that I wouldn't have to get them dirty on this job.

Oiling the hinges to the window, I slipped a pin through the gears. A clicking noise resounded through my ears as my pin hit its mark. The window opened, unheard. Unraveling my grappling hook, I hooked the sharp end to the ledge and lowered myself to the floor of the warehouse. I was in.

"Time ta take a look around," I said to myself silently as I poked my snout into things that honestly weren't my business. But, hey, every weasel has to make a living. I checked inside boxes and things like that, but it wasn't what I was looking for. All the crates ever had in them were props for cartoons and gag bags. I was rooting through a particularly interesting box (it had a bunch of brick-sized PEZ candy inside) when I heard a noise.

"Well, look what we have here," a snide voice announced. I turned around to see exactly what I was hoping not to see. Again, a minor setback. All it meant was that I was going to have to whoop five asses. I made silent notes about each of the weasels.

The most prominent figure was the obvious leader. His spotless, light pink jacket showed that he didn't do much grunt work in the group. Besides that, the large jewel being used as a tie pin proved visually that he was making more money than the others. His curling snarl was enough to make any other weasel fall to the ground balling their little eyes out. However, I was not any other weasel.

The next most prominent weasel had dark fur and greasy, black hair. The green pants to his suit were hiked up all the way to his chest, yet, despite that fact, were still roomy. He must've thought his jaunty stance was cool, but all it did for him was make him look like he was horribly off-kilter and was going to topple over to one side at any moment.

"Hmm she's a cute little thing," the second remarked, licking his lips. I rolled my eyes, privately taking note of his Mexican accent. The first weasel looked me over and took a step towards me.

"Listen, toots," he growled, "you ain't supposed ta be in here."

"Oh yeah? Who's gonna make me leave?" I smirked. I tensed my muscles, ready to spring and climb if I needed to.

"We are," the leader replied slickly.

"You? Ya ain't fast enough, slowpoke."

The pink-suited weasel's face went dead straight. He bared his teeth viciously and ground them together. I could see his itchy trigger finger start to act up. I just stood there and smiled.

"For your last meal," he muttered menacingly, "you're gonna eat those words."

"I wouldn't mess with me, if I was you," I warned.

"GET 'ER, BOYS!" the weasel clad in pink shouted, ignoring me. Worse for him.

Keeping a cool head, I reached into the box and curled my fingers around one of the candy bricks. The four other weasels came rushing towards me, one running faster than the others.

The faster one surprised me, because he didn't look like the type who could run particularly fast. His big, fuzzy gut would appear to get in the way and his untied shoes added to the constant threat of tripping. The propeller on his beanie was going a mile a minute as he ran. As he got close to me, he wielded his bat, the nail in it reflecting the artificial light from the hanging lamps.

However, he wasn't fast enough or smart enough to take me on. As he approached, he opened his mouth in a dumb smile, his tongue lolling out to one side. I gripped the giant PEZ tighter before yanking it out of the box and socking it into the weasel's pie hole.

"Enjoy your candy, mister," I said teasingly, leaping up onto a pile of boxes. The dumb weasel fell flat on his back. The other three weasels stopped in their tracks, laughing at their companion's defeat.

"STOP THAT LAUGHING!" the pink-clad one yelled. "GET THE WEASEL, YOU MORONS!"

"Whassamatter?" I called down to the other three. "'Fraid of heights?"

A bluish weasel seemed to take most offence to my taunting. He slipped the cigarettes he was smoking behind his ears and rubbed some dust from the floor over his nicotine-stained fingertips. From under his white resort hat, his reddened eyes glared at me.

"Don't worry boss," he wheezed. "I'll get 'er down." He grabbed for a foothold on my stack of crates. For a moment, I stood there, looking down on him.

Finally, I leapt to the ground, being extra careful to knock the boxes out of balance. They came smashing down on top of the weasel, who gave a shocked cry. When the boxes settled, he could be heard moaning and groaning in discomfort. His head protruded from the rubble and little birds flew around his ears. They didn't have long to do so before they started hacking up lungs because of the ring of smoke around the weasel's head.

The other two started laughing again.

"_STOP_ LAUGHING!" the leader yelled again, putting more emphasis on "stop" this time.

"This is really boring," I announced from my spot. I leaned on the wall nonchalantly. "Can't ya guys do any better? If ya can't, I'm gonna hafta go to a more interestin' place." I punctuated this statement with a yawn. This made the two weasels shut up.

"Psycho, go get 'er," the Hispanic one said to the remaining weasel.

This weasel got my full attention, although for only a few seconds. He wore an unbuckled straightjacket and the fur on his head stuck up in all sorts of directions. His eyes swirled with yellow, blue, and white and the circles pulsed faster as he got more excited. In his paw (which was covered by the long sleeve of the jacket) he held a barber's razor. It was an original weapon. I'd never seen a gang member wield anything like it before. His laugh was high, shrill, and actually quite funny.

"I'm gonna get the weeeeeeeasellllll," he grinned crazily. "Hee, hee!"

I was gonna _hate_ doing this. The insane had always had a place in my heart. As he ran towards me, I stood completely still. Just as he was about to run me through, I stepped aside and let the weasel slam right into the brick wall.

"Well that was easy," I shrugged, dusting my hands off on my jean jacket. I looked over at the leader, who seemed to be having convulsions at the sight of his gang being picked off one by one by a dame. "Hey, fancy pants," I called. "Why ain't you doin' nothin'? Scared you're gonna get that pretty suit of yers dirty? What a sissy!"

This was the breaking point. With those words ringing in his ears, the leader weasel yanked out a revolver from his jacket and took aim at me. He cocked the gun and started pumping lead. If he thought he had me, he was all too wrong.

I dance around, nimbly avoiding each and every bullet. I even did a quick pirouette actually standing on one of the lead projectiles. Being a toon has its luxuries. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the head weasel's revolver ran out of shells. I smiled to myself as I heard that horrifying click of an empty gun.

The leader's facial expression screamed, "HOW DID SHE DO THAT?!" But, he quickly caught himself and planted the sneer back on his lips.

"Ya think I can only throw bullets at ya?" he shouted at me. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a switchblade.

I yawned, which provoked him even more. He rolled up his sleeve and started to run towards me. In my mind, I asked why they never learned that direct contact with me was a dumb idea.

Right before the blade sliced me like fresh sushi, I stepped out of the way, caught Mr. Leader's wrist, and grabbed the switchblade away. With my free paw, I grabbed his shirt collar and lifted his hind legs off the ground. I may be a girl, but I'm strong. I pointed the knife at the weasel's throat.

"Hey, hey!" the weasel said, suddenly extremely nervous. "Easy there, sweetheart!"

"Aww," I pouted tauntingly. "Am I wrinklin' yer pretty, pink suit? Is it dry clean only? 'Fraid I'll get some _bloodstains_ on it? Poor baby."

"Put me down," he begged. "Or at least put down the knife."

"Don't feel like it," I yawned. "Told ya not to mess with me." My arm didn't waver as he struggled to get out of my grip.

"Whaddya want me ta do?" he sneered. "Say 'uncle?'"

"Don't start with me," I sneered back. "I ain't the one hangin' by his throat here."

I should have seen what was coming next. After I had said this, a slow grin spread to the leader's face. His eyes lowered to make contact with mine and they had a glint of evil sparkling in them.

Before I could think to act, something hard and heavy smacked across the back of my head and I crumpled to the concrete floor of the warehouse. As I breathed through my mouth, trying to stay conscious, I tasted something sweet. I shouldn't have left that Hispanic weasel so close to the PEZ bricks. I blacked out…


	2. At Toon Patrol Headquarters

**CHAPTER TWO**

"She don't look much like a weasel, boss," said a wheezing voice somewhere above me. I flinched as the stale smell of cigarette smoke flew up my nostrils. "She ain't got no white on 'er."

"I can see that," growled the Brooklyn accent of the head weasel.

"Great!" I thought to myself sarcastically. "I've been captured by the enemy!" I kept my eyes screwed shut.

"I'm gonna agree with Wheezy," supplied the Hispanic weasel's voice. "I never seen an all-brown weasel before…at least not the same shade all over."

"Why're we even talkin' about this?" the head weasel snapped. "It got nothin' to do with anythin'!"

"Sorry, boss," two voices apologized in unison.

"Anyway," the leader continued, "I called ya in here cuz we're takin' shifts watchin' her."

"I call first shift!" shouted the Hispanic voice excitedly.

"Pervert," I huffed in my mind.

"No you don't," the leader retorted. "I call the shots. I say that Psycho gets first shift."

"You're leavin' her alone with Psycho?" asked Wheezy's voice. "Think that's smart?" There was a loud crash, followed by insane weasel giggles.

"I'm the boss! What I say goes!" the leader yelled. There was a pause, filled only with laughter from the other three weasels in the room. Obviously, the leader had smacked Wheezy across the room, which was funny to the others. "STOP LAUGHING!" the boss yelled. "How many times do I gotta tell ya idiots?"

After a bit more talk, Psycho was left alone with me. I tried to ignore him and pretend to be out cold, but it was hard seeing as he was constantly smuggling out shrill little giggles. I couldn't take it anymore after a while and I popped my eyes open.

"Hey," I said dryly to Psycho. He looked at me questioningly. "Shhh." I put my pointer finger in front of my lips. Psycho stared at me for a second before shrugging and sitting back in his chair, completely silent. "Easy enough," I whispered. I leaned back, pretending to be knocked unconscious again.

After a while, it was someone else's shift to watch me. I expected Mr. Pervert to have begged to have the next shift, but instead, someone else drifted through the doors.

"I have rotten luck," I thought to myself as I heard the boss weasel dismiss Psycho. My neck was starting to get stiff and I wanted to move. But, I kept my eyes clamped shut. After about five minutes, the leader spoke.

"Quit pretendin'. I know you're awake."

I opened my eyes and sat up, half-expecting a gun pointed at my face. I was pleasantly surprised when no-such weapon could be seen.

"Ya know," the leader said, folding his arms, "I could have every intention to shootin' ya right on the spot. Wouldn't cause the world too much depredation."

"Deprivation," I corrected him. He looked at me strangely. "Depredation is a mass killin' spree," I explained. "Deprivation is a loss."

"I know that," he replied snottily. Tactfully, he changed subjects. "Anyway, I ain't gonna kill ya. I'm gonna keep ya around a bit longer. See what I can get for yer return." He punctuated this statement with an evil grin.

"Ya ain't gonna get much," I shrugged. "Nobody cares 'bout me." There was a long pause. The stabbing truth of the words I had just said nearly killed me. But, I hadn't cried in years. I wasn't about to start now.

"Well, since we's gonna see a lot of each other," the leader said, breaking the silence, "we might as well know what to call each other. Smart Ass is the name." He offered his paw to me. I shrugged as I took the paw and gave it a stiff handshake. When he withdrew, he rubbed his paw gingerly. "Got some grip there…um…"

"Twinkle Toes," I said. He gave me a look. "I know it ain't a real threatenin' gang name, but I ain't in a real threatenin' gang. It fits."

"Can I call ya Twink?" Smart Ass asked.

"No," I replied sassily. "Only my friends call me Twink." This fazed Smart Ass for a moment, but he shook it off and continued the conversation.

"And yer friends are?" he questioned.

"Nobody," I sighed. "Too busy with clients to have friends. Besides, I don't think I could exactly call the weasel that kidnaps me and holds me for ransom my friend in the first place."

"Well if ya put it like that…" Smart Ass chuckled. He changed the subject again. "Some fightin' you did at the factory. You're pretty strong for a dame."

"Thanks," I shrugged. "Wasn't my best of fights."

"Wasn't yer best?" Smart Ass asked in disbelief. "Ya practically flattened us!" I shrugged again. "Yer best must knock 'em dead."

"Exactly," I smirked. The words registered in Smart Ass's mind and his gulped a little, tugging on his necktie a bit. But, he recovered and went back to his cold exterior.


	3. Poker with Wheezy

CHAPTER THREE

"Well, since ya ain't out cold, I should probably take ya out to meet the rest of the gang," Smart Ass suggested, more to himself than to me. It's not like I had a choice about where I was gonna go.

"Sure," I shrugged. "Whatever." I swung my feet off the couch and pulled myself off the itchy cushion fabric. I looked behind Smart Ass to see a mirror. My hair was a natural mess. Running my fingers through the dark brown mass of ponytail, I snagged on several tangles.

Finally, I just decided to forget about my hair. I grabbed my hat from the side of the couch and pulled it firmly over my bad case of bed hair. Tugging on my jacket, I glanced up at Smart Ass, who had plastered an annoyed expression on his face.

"Ya ready yet?" he asked impatiently. Adding a sarcastic tone to his voice, he continued. "Sorry. Forgot ya were a dame."

"What's that supposed ta mean?" I questioned sassily. "Ya got somethin' against dames?"

"Why would any normal thinkin' male have anythin' against pretty little ladies?" Smart Ass retorted. "Only problem is, _you_ ain't a lady."

I sneered at him and clenched my fist. Debating with myself, I pulled my hand back to sock that sorry weasel in the snout, but my better judgement told me not to. After all, he had me held captive. If I got him mad, there was no telling what he could do to me without anyone ever knowing of it.

"Ya got away with it _this_ time, ya rat," I growled. "Next time, it ain't gonna be so easy."

Smart Ass returned my glare and grabbed my forearm. He stiffly started pulling me towards a door. As we exited the tiny living room, we came into a short hallway. Obviously, the weasels' quarters were pretty tight. On each side of the hallway, there were three doors. At the end, there was yet another door. Each door on the side of the hallway was decorated to show which weasel bunked inside.

Some of them were obvious. For instance, I could tell that Psycho slept in the second room on the left because razor marks scarred the wood of the door. Small frayed ends of electric wires stuck out of the wall. Examining the crack beneath the door, I saw white padding like they use in the asylums.

Also, that smoker's room was obvious too. A thick fog of cigarette smoke loomed outside the door even when the weasel wasn't inside. Butts of used up cigarettes littered the floor outside. The doorknob was even having hacking fits. Ah! The joy and wonder of Toontown architecture never once ceased to amaze me.

But I digress. Smart Ass yanked me down the hall and flung open the door on a small, grungy kitchen. Three of the weasels (Psycho, Mr. Pervert, and the smoker) were sitting around the table playing poker. Psycho was taking it literally and giving anyone who folded a stiff jab in the arm.

"OW!" exclaimed Mr. Pervert as Psycho pulled away his finger. "_Hijo de puta_!" I nearly laughed at his Spanish curse, but I kept my trap shut.

"Boys, put the cards down," Smart Ass demanded. "I decided we oughta know what our captive's name is. This is Twinkle Toes."

Immediately, Mr. Pervert jumped to his feet and swept my paw in his. Kissing the back of my paw, he looked at me with lust-filled eyes.

"It's a pleasure meeting someone as _bella_ as you, _chiquita_." I nearly slapped his sleazy muzzle, but, again, my reflexes controlled me.

"That's Greasy," Smart Ass introduced dryly.

"That's appropriate. That's what _that_ is," I thought to myself.

"The smoker's called Wheezy," Smart Ass announced.

Wheezy looked at me, traced my body shape with his eyes, took a drag of his cigarettes, and blew out a smoke ring. As the ring neared me, it outlined my curvy figure. Obviously, Greasy wasn't the only womanizer of the group, even though Wheezy was slightly subtler. He and Greasy shared a short laugh at my expense.

"That's Psycho," Smart Ass said, jerking his head to indicate the crazed weasel who'd taken the first shift watching me.

Psycho waved. The extra fabric on his straightjacket flopped back and forth like a rag doll.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii," Psycho shrilled. "Hee hee hee hee!" After his little giggle, he covered his face with his paws and I could see his pale muzzle turn a bit pink. (Blushing? I don't know.)

"And that's Stupid," Smart Ass finished, pointing at the fuzzy, rounded weasel I'd socked in the face with a PEZ brick earlier that night.

Stupid chuckled, looked at his pigeon-toed feet, and bit his lip with his overgrown fang. All-in-all, he looked more childlike than unintelligent. The propeller on his beanie lent him an invariably cute factor. But the bat with the nail stuck in it detracted from said cuteness.

"Heya," I said shortly. I fiddled with the end of my ponytail as I tried to avoid breathing Wheezy's noxious fumes.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Wheezy broke the freeze. He studied his hand and chucked in a couple of quarters thus continuing the poker game. For a minute, he stared at his cards again. Then, he took a puff of his cigarette and looked at Psycho.

"It's yer turn," he coughed. "Put in yer bet, Psycho." Psycho, who had recovered from his brief blushing spree, danced on top of his chair, carelessly tossing in a couple coins. Obviously, he wasn't into the game that much. Wheezy glanced over at me. "Know how ta play?" he asked.

Now, if you ask anyone in Toontown, they'll tell you that Twinkle Toes the Informant is a regular card shark. I grinned and pulled up a chair between Wheezy and Psycho, not wanting to get too close to Greasy.

"Deal me in," I smirked.

"Got anythin' to bet with?" Wheezy muttered, shuffling the deck of cards.

"Does it look like I do?" I returned. Wheezy shrugged and reached into a jar on the grimy countertop.

"Then ya bet with these," he said, plopping a stack of paper in my area. I looked at the writing on them.

"I.O.U.'s?" I questioned. "Twenty-five cents each?"

"We only bet with quarters at a time," Wheezy explained, blowing a smoke ring right in my face. I held my breath. "But, we pay up at the end of the game." He looked at me with his reddened eyes as if to ask if I was still going to play.

"Naturally," I smiled sassily as I took my cards. "Wouldn't play any other way." For some reason, I was getting the idea that Wheezy was planning to take advantage of this game as revenge for toppling those crates on him in the warehouse.

But, he was pretty much dead in the water. After about an hour, both Greasy and Wheezy had several bruises on their arms from where Psycho poked them. I had none. Smart Ass had taken an official interest in the game and was straddling a chair, eyes glued on the pile of quarters and I.O.U. notes in the center of the table as well as the large pile in my possession.

I looked at Wheezy, then Psycho, and then Greasy. Then, my eyes turned back to my cards. I chuckled under my breath and smiled.

Looking up again, I could see that Wheezy and Greasy were starting to get beads of perspiration forming under the brim of their hats. Greasy swiped them away with his paw, but Wheezy still tried to play cool, leaving the sweat where it was.

I crumpled eight I.O.U. notes in my paw and let them flutter to the middle pile. Smart Ass's eyes bulged a bit and he looked at me questioningly. I winked, smirking again. Psycho carelessly tossed in another couple coins and giggled. Greasy looked at me before sighing and putting his cards on the table.

"Hee hee hee!" Psycho giggled, reaching over to poke Greasy.

"_AY CARUMBA_!" Greasy shouted, rubbing his arm. "OWWW!"

My eyes turned on Wheezy. If he folded, I had officially won. Psycho wouldn't take me on. He'd been extremely sweet to me. I think he was getting the feeling that I thought insane weasels were special, not just in the way their minds worked.

Wheezy took a deep drag on his cigarette in a desperate attempt to calm himself down. He finally mopped his forehead with his sleeve. His yellowed fingers tapped the backs of his cards nervously. Then, he let out a sigh and folded.

Psycho gave him a quick poke in the arm, which went completely unnoticed. Then, realizing that he was the only one standing against me, Psycho slammed his cards on the table and proceeded to dance around on his rickety kitchen chair again.

"Wow," I snorted. "And I didn't even have a good hand." I put my cards on the table, faces up, to reveal one of the most horrible poker hands ever: a 2 of hearts, a 5 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a 4 of spades, and 3 of diamonds.

Wheezy smacked his head repeatedly on the table and grimaced. He turned his own cards over to see he had four of a kind. He glared at me again before continuing to hit his head.

"That was tricky and dubious," Smart Ass grinned. "I'm impressed."

Instead of pointing out that he probably meant "devious" instead of "dubious," I just smiled teasingly at the chain smoking weasel who was starting to develop a large bump on his forehead.


	4. Hyper

CHAPTER FOUR

After my poker win, the Toon Patrol and I corralled into the small living room I had been taken to when I was knocked out. Apparently, this was the front of the house used for their headquarters.

As soon as we entered the room, Wheezy flung himself down on a deep chair, lit another two cigarettes to add to the three he was already smoking, and didn't talk to anyone. Sulking was such a childish thing to do after losing a game of cards. I rolled my eyes.

Greasy sat down on the couch and pulled me next to him. As he hugged his arm around me, he claimed it was just so I didn't make a run for it. I looked at him and he gave me another lust-filled grin.

Smart Ass, not fooled at all by Greasy's claims, shrugged and plopped himself on a matching love-seat and reclined his feet on the unoccupied cushion. He pulled a cigar out of his jacket pocket, borrowed a light from Wheezy and started adding his own rotten smoke into the air.

Psycho curled up in a little ball at my feet, hugging my ankles protectively. He reminded me of those pet dogs the human beings kept. I snorted at the thought. Whenever Greasy would start making moves on me, Psycho turned around, bared his overbite and growled like he was about to attack.

Stupid didn't sit at all. He looked around for a place to sit down, but ended up just standing in a corner, counting his finger and toes over and over again to make sure they were all there. It was kinda cute. I was already growing closer to Psycho and Stupid. They were adorable. Wheezy, Smart Ass, and…ugh…_Greasy_ I could live without.

There was no chat. The only sounds that were made by anyone were the growls by Psycho, the seductive purrs by Greasy, the out-loud counting by Stupid, and the puffing and drags by Wheezy and Smart Ass. I folded my arms over my chest, thoroughly bored.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. Smart Ass grimaced and put out his cigar in a nearby ashtray. He adjusted his pink jacket and tie and headed over to answer the knock.

"If it's anyone we don't know," he snarled, "push Twinkle Toes back in the hall and stay with 'er."

"Right, boss," Greasy grinned, running one of his long filed nails down my cheek. I pulled away, returning the action with a vicious snarl.

Smart Ass peered out a little peephole in the door and made a loud groan.

"Not _again_!" he shouted. He pulled open the door and greeted the visitor with "Whaddya want?"

The weasel standing in the doorway had probably just gotten old enough to be on her own. She looked a bit like a Toon Patrol wannabe, which, judging by her starstruck eyes riveted on Smart Ass, she was. Her baggy white dress shirt didn't fit as well as it could. A black vest draped around her shoulders. A blue-green tie choked her slender neck and a black fedora (similar to the hats Smart Ass and Greasy wore) topped her head. Even though she didn't need it, a black leather belt circled her incredibly skinny waist. In all honesty, I was a tad jealous. The only reason I knew she was a girl was because of her short, brown bob hairstyle. She was lucky that she didn't have wolves like Greasy after her all the time.

"Oh…my…gosh," she said slowly. "IT'S SMART ASS! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! I am your BIGGEST FAN! Can I have your autograph?! PLEASE? OH PLEASIE PLEASE?!"

"Go away, Hyper!" Smart Ass retorted. "The answer is still no."

"But, but, but, but, but," Hyper cried, "but, I'm your biggest fan!"

She kinda reminded me of Psycho only not insane. Maybe she was and I was just reading it wrong.

"No!" Smart Ass responded. "I haven't given ya an autograph yet and I never will!" Hyper's eyes watered.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she sobbed. "I've come across scortching hot deserts where there weren't no drinking fountains! I've swam across oceans that had it in for me! I've…"

"Ya walked to blocks from yer neighborhood ta here," Wheezy shouted from his chair.

"So I exaggerated a little," Hyper shrugged. "If I can't get an autograph, can I at least join your patrol? Look! I brought my own tommy gun!" She raised the shiny weapon as if it was an offering to the weasels she adored. "I'll show you what a good shot I am!"

"NO!" Smart Ass shouted. He turned around to the other patrolers and me. "HIT THE DECK!"

Greasy yanked me to the floor by my waist and held me face down. I tried to struggle back to my feet, but Smart Ass was also holding me down. Between the two of them, they were stronger than me. Not to mention I was taken off guard.

Hyper shot her gun in almost every direction except straight. Bullet holes lined the walls and one even got in the couch right where I had been sitting. I almost screamed, but deciding not to at the last minute, it came out more like a squeal.

Wheezy crawled his way over to Hyper before standing right in front of her and snatching the tommy gun from her paws. By the way he was holding it, I could tell he was more of an expert with that particular weapon than Hyper was.

"See?" Hyper said excitedly. "Now can I join?"

"No!" Smart Ass, Greasy, and Wheezy all yelled at once. Stupid was still counting his fingers, blissfully unaware of Hyper. Psycho was laughing at the whole thing, suddenly extremely entertained by sticking his finger inside the bullet holes.

"OH PLEASE!" Hyper sobbed. "I'll do anything to join you guys!"

"Anything?" Smart Ass asked, his ears pricking up.

"Anything!" Hyper responded.

"Then go home and we'll think about it," Smart Ass shrugged. I could tell he was lying. And I was super mad at him at this particular moment.

"Okay!" Hyper grinned. Forgetting her tommy gun, she skipped back down the stoop and off down the street.

"Ugh," Wheezy groaned as he shut the front door. "She's so annoyin'."

"Ya guys ain't gonna give 'er a chance, are ya?" I questioned angrily. Smart Ass shook his head.

"She ain't Patrol material," he said matter-of-factly.

"Who says she ain't?" I shouted. "Did ya ever give 'er a chance before?"

"Nope," Wheezy shrugged.

"WHY NOT?" I exploded. "YA GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF SELF-ABSORBED MORONS!" I punctuated my statement by shoving Smart Ass back into the love-seat. Psycho grabbed my arm, trying to calm me down and keep me from attacking Smart Ass any further.

"Easy there, sweetie!" Smart Ass barked. "If you're gonna be such a whiner about it, we'll give 'er the test!"

"Good!" I yelled. I turned around and gave Psycho a pat on the head.

"But, I can tell ya now that she ain't gonna pass it!" Smart Ass finished.

"We'll just see about that," I smirked.


	5. Greasy Talks

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Smart Ass walked over to Greasy and yanked him off the couch and into the hall to discuss the test. It was obvious that he was frustrated about my demands. He really didn't want to test Hyper…probably because he knew she might have a chance at getting in and then he'd have to deal with her all the time.

So, he was going to devise some kind of incredibly hard test that no one could do. Probably the real screening that the Toon Patrol had to go through was really easy. I say this because if Psycho and Stupid could get in, but Hyper couldn't, there was a huge problem with the system. But I had a plan.

Hyper was a nice weasel. She deserved to be part of Toon Patrol if she wanted to. She had spunk…and a tommy gun, which was a little scary. She definitely had the fashion sense for a gangster, which proved to me that she was either completely serious about joining Toon Patrol or so much of a fan girl that she memorized pieces of Wheezy, Smart Ass, and Greasy's outfits.

"Okay, boys," Smart Ass snarled as he walked back in the room. "Everybody go ta bed." Greasy walked in behind him and I could see he was chuckling. It must've been a fantastic plan.

Being an informant, I had to crack the toughest eggs. (No, seriously. I once did this job for a toon hen who thought her eggs were plotting against her. None of them were willing to talk.) But, I had my ways…or wiles, rather.

"You're gonna sleep in this room until we can get ya a better place," Smart Ass growled at me. He was still mad about me making him do something about Hyper. I could tell he was one of those toons that held grudges for way too long. "I ain't sure ya deserve it, though."

"Go ta bed," I smirked, flipping the brim of his hat up. He pulled the brim back down and glared at me before stomping out of the room, followed by Wheezy, Stupid, and Psycho. As Greasy was leaving, I waved him over. "Greasy?" I said cutely. "Could ya come over here for a second? I think I hurt my ankle when we were dodgin' Hyper's attack."

"What do ya want me ta do about it?" he grumbled. I crossed my legs, sticking out my ankle. I gave him a seductive look.

"I was hopin' ya could rub it or somethin'?" I questioned. His eyes brightened, but he kept the same, straight look on his face.

"What're ya tryin' ta pull?" he questioned. I shrugged and leaned my leg out further.

"Nothin'," I smiled. "I just figured a strong, handsome weasel like yerself wouldn't mind helpin' an _injured_ gal like me."

Well, that was all I needed to say. In a matter of seconds, Greasy was kneeling down and rubbing my ankle…and the rest of my leg as well. It was almost as much as I could stand. I wanted to slap him right in the face, but my goal depended on me keeping my cool.

"Feel better, _chiquita_?" Greasy purred.

"Mmhmm," I hummed. "I think it's all better. I'm gonna try to stand up." Greasy backed away to give me space. As I stood up, I pretended that my ankle still hurt. "Ah!" I cried as I fell forward. Greasy reached out to catch me and I made it a point to make sure my paws landed on his chest. I'd made a note on my travels that it made guys go crazy. Made them feel manly or something. "Thanks," I sighed, running a finger over Greasy's cheek. I was going to _hate_ myself in the morning.

"Is there…" He cleared his throat before trying again. "Is there anything I can do for ya?"

"Actually," I sighed pitifully, "I was hopin' ya could tell me what Hyper's test is gonna be. I'm such a curious gal." Greasy looked apprehensive. "Besides," I continued, "I ain't goin' nowhere with this ankle. How could I tell anyone?"

"I guess that makes sense," Greasy thought out loud. He turned his eyes back to me. "How do I know ya ain't lyin' about yer ankle?" Inwardly, I rolled my eyes. I moved my arms to around his neck and pulled myself closer to him.

"You're just gonna hafta trust me," I whispered in his ear. A shiver went down his spine and little drops of sweat started to form on his forehead. I could tell I was wearing him down. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, I nuzzled my snout into his neck.

"SmartAss's gonna lock Hyper in a room with a bunch of top shooters!" Greasy said really quickly. He leaned in to kiss me, but I dodged him playfully. Now I just needed to get him out of the room for an hour or so.

"That's a smart plan," I flirted. "I betcha came up with that all by yerself." Greasy paused for a minute, contemplating the idea.

"Yeah," he smirked. "I did."

"Betcha brain is real tired," I continued.

"Yeah," he yawned. "It is."

"Then," I breathed in his ear, "why don't ya go ta bed?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "I think I will. See ya in the mornin', _chiquita_."

"See ya in the mornin'," I grinned as he staggered out of the room.

SUCCESS!


	6. Secret Agent Weasel

**CHAPTER SIX**

I crept into the hallway, quiet as a mouse. I can't say as much for the weasels sleeping in each room. They were all snoring loudly. Psycho started barking in his sleep. Wheezy had hacking fits every time he breathed in. Stupid had very watery snores because of the drool collected in his mouth. Out of all of them, Smart Ass and Greasy had the most normal snores. But they were still loud.

But that's how I knew they were asleep. I silently tiptoed across the living room and out the front door. It felt good to be out in the fresh night air. Remembering which way Hyper skipped when she left, I hiked two blocks over and started knocking on doors. Thankfully, I only had to knock on three.

"Hey!" Hyper exclaimed as she opened the door. "You're that girl who's staying with the Toon Patrol!"

"Shhh!" I whispered. "Ya wanna wake up the whole neighborhood?" Hyper shook her head violently. "I have somethin' I need ta tell ya. Can I come in?"

"Sure," Hyper grinned, stepping aside.

Her home wasn't that much bigger than Toon Patrol headquarters. Newspaper clippings, photographs, and drawings of and about the Toon Patrol weasels lined the walls. It was like I escaped them, but they were still watching me. It gave me the willies. I tried to ignore it.

"So what'd you need to tell me about?" Hyper asked, plopping herself in a comfy chair that was the same shade of pink as Smart Ass's jacket. I eased myself onto the couch, a little concerned that there was a big, blown-up photograph of all five weasels hanging right above it. Obsessive much?

"Oh!" I said hurriedly. "Sorry. I was a bit distracted. Um…Yeah! It was about yer test. I found out that…"

"I'm sooooooooooooooo excited for it!" Hyper interrupted. "I can't wait to be part of the Toon Patrol!"

"Yeah," I shrugged, waving her off. "Anyways, I found out that yer test is…"

"I've always wanted to be part of the Toon Patrol ever since I found out about them! They're so cool and they never get in trouble for anythin'! They're always on the scene of everything important and…"

"Hyper, shut up," I huffed, trying to make her be quiet.

"And when I get in, I'll get to hang out with Smart Ass all day long! Did you know he's my hero? He's really cool and…"

"HYPER, FOCUS!" I shouted, smacking her across the face.

"I am focused," Hyper smiled, not even fazed. "What about my test?" I opened my mouth to say something, but decided not to. I just continued on with my original plan.

"I like ya, kid," I explained. "I wanna have someone that I can talk with. The guys are annoyin'…except for Stupid and Psycho. They're okay. Anyways, that's the only reason why I'm tellin' ya this stuff. So, I managed to find out what yer test is."

"Tell me!" Hyper giggled, bouncing up and down in her chair. "Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"

"OKAY!" I screamed. I regained my composure. "Smart Ass is gonna lock ya up in a room with some great shooters. He's gonna try an' kill ya ta get ya outta his hair."

"That's not bad," Hyper laughed. "I'm the best shot ever! I'll take 'em on." I grimaced, remembering the incident earlier that night.

"Um…Hyper?" I faltered. I didn't want to tell her that she was a lousy gunner. But, I managed to think something up real quick. "Smart Ass set up this test a certain way. A sure-fire way to pass is to shoot _everything around the other shooters_. Do not, I repeat _do NOT_, aim for the gunners themselves."

"Thanks for the tip," Hyper smiled. She stood up and gave me a run-by hug. "By the way, I don't know your name."

"Twinkle Toes," I shrugged. "But ya can call me Twink."

"Really?" Hyper squealed. "Oh my gosh! We're gonna be best, best, best, best friends!" She hugged me tighter. My eyes nearly popped out of my head because she was squishing me so hard.

"Hy…per…I…have…to…go," I gasped.

"Oh," Hyper sighed disappointedly. "Okay." I felt bad for snapping at her earlier. She wasn't a bad kid. She was just crazy with energy.

"Hey," I grinned, "we'll see a lot of each other after the test tomorrow." I punctuated this statement with a wink before heading out the door. "Good luck. Remember: shoot _around_. Not _at_," I called over my shoulder.

I slunk through trash cans and back alleys. In all honesty, I probably could have escaped then and there. But, I really wanted to see Smart Ass's facial expression when Hyper passed the test. I slipped back through the front door, locked it, and fell dead-asleep on the couch.


	7. No Rest for the Twinkle Toes

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Hey, Rip van Winkle," wheezed a voice. "Get up." I opened my eyes to see Wheezy. No big surprise. He was just the kind of weasel that would wake a girl up.

"Go away," I huffed. "I need my beauty sleep."

"No amount of sleep could make _that_ mug pretty," Wheezy snarled. I pulled back my fist.

"You're cruisin' for a brusin'," I threatened.

"Am I?" Wheezy chuckled. "What're ya gonna do about it? The boss wants ta see ya."

"The boss can wait," I growled. "I'm goin' back ta bed."

"No ya ain't," Wheezy snapped, grabbing my upper arm. "When the boss wants ta see ya, the boss sees ya." He pulled me off the couch.

"When I want ta sleep, I sleep," I retorted. "There ain't nothin' ya can do 'bout that." I tried to lay back down, but Wheezy was stronger than he looked. He managed to spin me around and started twisting my arm around my back. "Quit it!" I shouted angrily. "Whaddya tryin' ta do? Break my arm?"

"Ya gonna go quite-like, or do I gotta rip yer shoulder?" Wheezy growled in my ear. I struggled, but the more I did, the more he hurt me. I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore the burning pain in my arm, but it just hurt too much.

"Fine," I muttered. Wheezy let me go. "I hate ya." Wheezy shrugged and shoved me towards the door.

"Does it _look_ like I care?" he returned. "Go. The boss is waiting in the kitchen. No funny business or I'll twist yer arm again." I glared at him before heading through the hallway and into the kitchen.

Smart Ass was sitting on a more stable kitchen chair. His feet were kicked up on the table and the air was filled with smoke from his lit cigar. I covered my nose and made an audible gagging noise. Smart Ass looked at me strangely before leaning over and blowing some disgusting smoke in my face. I choked and dramatically fell to my knees.

"Don't be such a drama queen," Smart Ass said dryly. He grabbed an ashtray from the counter and put out his cigar. I smirked and stood back on my feet.

"What was so important that ya had ta wake me up?" I asked. Smart Ass was quiet. He stood up and circled around me. "Well?"

"Today's Hyper's test," he shrugged. "I thought ya might like ta know."

"Thanks for the info," I sassed, "but I think ya forgot who you're talkin' to."

"Right," Smart Ass snarled. "The deformant."

"That's _in_formant, ya bozo," I corrected.

"Whatever," he growled. "Anyways, if ya ain't gonna take too long, ya can go get ready. We're gonna pick Hyper up after breakfast."

"Ya guys eat?" I questioned sarcastically. "I thought all ya did was smoke cigarettes and wander around aimlessly with switchblades."

"Don't push yer luck," Smart Ass warned. "If ya get me too mad, I'm gonna hafta _do_ somethin' about it." He stressed the word "do" by clenching his fists. He leaned into me so his snout was inches away from mine. "Incidentally," he muttered, "Greasy told me that ya were pretty cozy with 'im last night. Lemme just warn ya that he's not exactly the kinda weasel ya wanna get 'involved with'." I almost laughed out loud.

"Right," I said, trying not to snort and give away that I found this hysterical. "I'll remember that." For a second, I could've sworn I saw concern flash through Smart Ass's eyes. But, I wiped it out of my mind as impossible.

"Alright!" Smart Ass shouted. "C'mon, boys! Let's go! We got a weasel ta test!" It wasn't very long before the Toon Patrol and I were gathered at the front of the house, ready to go.

Greasy was snuggling up to me, which was incredibly annoying. I _knew_ I was gonna hate myself in the morning. He kept nuzzling his nose into my neck and breathing in my ears in a seductive way. I kept pushing him away, which confused him a little, but a wolf will never just leave you alone.

"Greasy," Smart Ass snapped when we got to the Toon Patrol paddy wagon. "Get yer mitts offa Twinkle Toes. You're drivin'." Greasy looked disappointed but followed orders.

"Thanks," I mumbled as Smart Ass walked around me to get to the other door.

"No problem," he returned, tipping his hat slightly. "He annoys me too sometimes. If ya wanna avoid 'im, yer best bet is ta stay in the back of the car with Stupid and Psycho."

"Okay," I smiled. Whoa. Why did I just smile at him? That made no sense. It also made no sense that he seemed to care about how I was treated. There was an awkward pause. Smart Ass tipped his hat over his eyes before pushing around me and climbing into the car.

I didn't have a lot of time to register what he said because Psycho grabbed my paw and hauled me into the back of the paddy wagon. Somehow, I ended up using Psycho as my seatbelt. I wasn't actually sure how I got there, but I did. It was like having a guard dog and a security system all rolled into one really loopy weasel.

We traveled the two blocks over to Hyper's house where she was waiting and all piled out to get her. This, of course, was a mistake.

"Oh…my…gosh!" Hyper exclaimed. "It's the real Toon Patrol car! Oh my gosh! Can I drive? Oh pleasie please?!"

"No!" Smart Ass shouted.

"I'll drive," I grinned evilly. I climbed into the front seat, booting Greasy out.

"Move over, I'm drivin'," Wheezy protested.

"No ya ain't!"

"Yeah I am!"

"No ya ain't!"

"Yeah I am!"

"No ya ain't!"

"Yeah I…"

"SHUT UP!" Smart Ass yelled. "You're actin' like a bunch of little kids! _I'll_ drive."

"Awwwww!" Wheezy and I whined together. We glared at each other before I climbed in the back with Psycho and Stupid, followed closely by Hyper.

As we drove to the place where Hyper's test was going to be, I thought she was going to pass out several times. She kept hyperventilating because she was so excited about being in the patrol car. Despite how much I wanted another gal to hang out with while I was trapped with the Toon Patrol, I couldn't help but imagine how annoying she was going to be. Constantly yipping and giggling about being anywhere near the Toon Patrol? That could get on my nerves after a while. But I decided that I'd rather have a fellow female around than keep my insanity. I rested my back against the cold wall of the patrol car's interior. Tipping my hat over my eyes, I managed to get some of the sleep I lost last night.

I woke up to someone shaking me. First, I thought it was Wheezy.

"Go away," I grimaced. "Ya don't need ta wake me up twice in one day, do ya?"

"I've never woken you up," said a confused voice. I opened my droopy eyes to see Hyper in all her confused glory.

"Sorry, Hypes," I sighed. "I thought ya were someone else."

"Hypes?" Hyper asked. "What's that? Is that my new nickname?" Her eyes shone with admiration and happiness.

"I guess it is," I shrugged. "If ya like it, I'll be happy to call ya by it."

"I _DO_ like it," she giggled. "It's cute!"

"Okay…Hypes," I said, trying not to snort. "Anyways, why'd ya wake me up?" Hyper stopped her little dance about her new nickname (if she isn't related to Psycho, I'm a monkey's uncle!) and turned to me.

"We're at the test place," she smiled. "C'mon! Smart Ass told me to stay with you until he told me he was ready inside. So he said he was, but to wait until you woke up so you could watch too. But I couldn't wait anymore, so I woke you up. And now I'm really excited so can we go in please?"

"Sure," I smirked. "Go ahead. I'll be right behind ya."


	8. An Annoying Filler Chapter

CHAPTER EIGHT

Hyper and I hopped out of the back of the patrol car. As we walked through the parking lot, I sized up the building. The first thing I noticed was that we weren't in Toontown anymore.

The building was tall and stern-looking. It was made of gray bricks and had one or two windows on each of the five floors. The door was guarded by two muscle-y human beings, each equipped with deadly guns. They glared fiercely at us as we approached the door.

"What's the password?" one of them asked harshly. Hyper suddenly got freaked out and started biting her lip. She drew little circles on the sidewalk with her toes and I could hear her whimper every couple of seconds. I rolled my eyes, taking control of the situation.

"Look, pal," I snarled. "We got a couple of friends in there. If they don't vouch for us, nobody will." The other guard looked at his companion and turned back to me.

"Who're your friends?"

"Ever heard of the Toon Patrol weasels?" I returned. The guards' eyes brightened in recognition. "Yeah. That's them. Let us in."

"Hold on there, missy," the second guard said, barring the door with his meaty arm. "We gotta ask Smart Ass if he knows you first."

"He knows me!" Hyper exclaimed. "PLEASE LET ME IN! I have a test I need to be at in just a couple minutes!" She grabbed onto the guard's arm and hung in midair. Despite how much the guard tried to pry her off, she stuck to him like glue.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Smart Ass yelled as he walked out of the building. "Easy there, Hyper. Down, girl! Down!"

"SMART ASS!" Hyper screamed, letting go of the guard and latching onto the weasel. It was his turn to try to push her off and fail miserably at doing so.

"Get offa me!" Smart Ass exclaimed. "Twinkle Toes, do somethin'!"

"How can I?" I chuckled, watching the scene happily. "I _can't_ do _nothin'_ about it."

"You're her friend!" Smart Ass grunted, struggling with Hyper as she tried to rip the arm of his suit off. (What is it with fans and their souvenirs?) "Can't ya tell 'er ta leave me alone?"

"Sure I'm 'er friend," I shrugged. "But I ain't got the power to make 'er do what ya want 'er ta do.

"Can't ya try?" Smart Ass panicked. A couple of stitches had ripped off his jacket and he was starting to get frantic. "C'mon, Hyper!" he shouted at his number one fan. "Lemme go! I just had the suit dry-cleaned!"

"Let 'im go, Hypes," I called calmly. "You're gonna be late for yer test if we don't get goin'." I paused for a moment, trying not to laugh. "Besides, we don't wanna ruin Mr. Fancy Pants' lovely pink jacket, now do we?" Hyper let go and Smart Ass gave me a death glare.

"If ya say one more word about my suit, I'm not gonna be responsible for my actions," he growled. "Ya got that?"

"Got it, chief," I taunted, mock-saluting him. He opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it at the last second. Instead, he tugged his hat over his eyes and shoved Hyper into the building. I paused outside.

"Are ya comin' or not?" Smart Ass yelled from inside. Given the okay, I walked past the guards and through the front door.

It took a while to get to the correct room. Despite the building's shady appearance, it actually was relatively well furnished. I jogged ahead a bit to catch up to Smart Ass and Hyper.

"Hey, Smarty," I questioned, "where'd ya get access ta a place like this?"

"I ain't sure which one I hate more," Smart Ass grumbled to himself. "Mr. Fancy Pants or Smarty. Blech." He turned his head towards me. "I got friends in the right places," he shrugged. "I don't think ya need ta know about it." I shrugged back.

"Just curious," I huffed. "Geez. Sue me."

"If I had a good lawyer, I _would_," Smart Ass snapped. "But, unfortunately, Psycho elected himself as the group lawyer because he actually _made it_ through law school."

"How the hell did he do that?" I asked, nearly laughing.

"I have no idea what he_ did_," Smart Ass shrugged. "But, I'm pretty sure he _didn't_ go through his treatment before he went to school. But, as ya probably can imagine, he ain't much of a lawyer no more. Besides, how'd we even get on this subject anyways? Get the lead out, gals. Move it! It's time for the ignitiation."

"That's _in_itiation, bozo," I snorted.

"Whatever," he grunted, waving me off. "Right in here, Hyper." Smart Ass opened a tiny crawlspace sized door and stood aside. He acted all gentlemanly, putting his paw on the small of Hyper's back so she wouldn't trip while walking in the room. I totally knew he was faking it, though. I knew the only reason he was being nice was to humor me.

"Okiedokie!" Hyper chirped before skipping…or crawling through the door, rather. Smart Ass closed the door swiftly behind her.

"So," he grinned, turning towards me, "wanna watch Hyper fail the test?"

"No," I scoffed. "I'm gonna watch Hyper kick yer hired guns' asses."

"Oh ye-…_Hey_! How'd ya know what Hyper's test is?"

"Shit," I muttered, blushing under my fur.

"Oh! I betcha I know," Smart Ass growled angrily. "I betcha last night when ya got all comfy cozy with Greasy, ya seduced the info outta 'im! _You_ are a sickenin' little…"

"Hey, boss," Wheezy coughed from the next door over, "s'time for the test ta start." Smart Ass turned to nod to Wheezy, then he turned back to me.

"I'll deal with ya later, ya little traitor," he snarled before grabbing my arm and yanking me into the room Wheezy had disappeared into.

The room was essentially a scientific viewing room. There was a one-way window that lined one entire wall. Several chairs were set up along the other wall and in these chairs sat the rest of the patrollers. I noted how they were set up about as far away from the glass wall as they could be. Stupid sat closest to the door, bat held aloft and eyes dulled because he was off in another world. Wheezy leaned back in his chair so two of the legs were off the ground. He was chilling out, smoking his cigarettes. Big surprise there. Sense my sarcasm? Anyway, Greasy had saved me a seat right next to him. Again, big surprise, huh? The good news is that Psycho had taken the seat next to mine. When I sat down and Greasy slung his arm around me, Psycho growled and bit Greasy's paw.

"Ow, ow!" Greasy cried, examining his paw carefully. "Psycho, ya almost broke the skin."

"Hee hee hee hee hee hee!" Psycho giggled, putting his own arm around my shoulder. He shot a fierce glare (over-bite snarl included) at Greasy and hugged me closer to him. Despite the awkwardness of having a guy put his arm around me, I actually appreciated Psycho doing that. Having him around was like having a personal Greasy-repelling guard dog.

"Sorry, _Sleazy_," I grinned tauntingly at Greasy, who was attempting to hide the bite marks by putting his paw in his pocket. He muttered something incomprehensible and leaned back in his chair, hat tipped over his eyes.

I looked through the window to see Hyper looking around excitedly. Several human beings filed into the test room. They all wore long trench coats, sunglasses, and fedoras. I knew beneath the coats, they had guns. Smart Ass leaned his paw on a button and started giving instructions.

"Okay, fellas," he sneered, "give 'er a gun. Let's see what she can do with it." He took his paw off his button and grabbed a seat. One of the gunners handed Hyper a tommy gun and I crossed my fingers that she'd remember what I told her to do.


	9. Hyper's Test FINALLY

**CHAPTER NINE**

The test had started. The hired shots pulled out their weapons. At first glance the guns looked completely normal. But, as I took another look, I saw a drop of green liquid fall from the lip of the gun. My jaw dropped open and I spun around to face Smart Ass.

"You filled the guns with _DIP_?!" I exclaimed. "What're ya tryin' ta do? Seriously kill 'er?!"

"Do ya really need ta ask?" Smart Ass sneered. "She's annoyin'."

"Isn't that a little dramatic?" I questioned, sharply jabbing Smart Ass's chest with my finger. "Couldn't ya just play fair?"

"Ya really think I'm gonna play fair?" Smart Ass scoffed. "Have ya never even _met_ me before?"

"Point taken," I sighed. I snapped out of it and grabbed a handful of Smart Ass's shirt. I pulled his feet off the ground and slammed his back into the wall. "If any of yer goons actually dip 'er, I'll strangle ya."

"Easy, Twinkle Toes," Smart Ass grimaced.

"I will not 'easy,'" I snarled. With every word, I slammed Smart Ass against the wall. "You're a lyin', cheatin', double-crossin'..."

The other four patrollers jumped up and started to try to break up the fight. Psycho grabbed onto my waist and started to pull me off Smart Ass. Stupid latched onto Psycho and pulled as well. Greasy grabbed Smart Ass's shoulders and pulled him away from the wall. Wheezy tried to pry my paws of Smart Ass's shirt. He puffed smoke in my face, making my eyes burn.

"Quit it, wheezer!" I exclaimed. I let go of Smart Ass's shirt and tackled Wheezy. We tumbled back and forth on the floor, screaming profanities at each other. I slugged him in the stomach and he bit me in the arm. "YEOW!" I screamed. "Get yer disgustin' yellow teeth outta me!"

"Get yer fist outta my stomach!" Wheezy yelled back. He coughed up a bunch of cigarette smoke and pinned my shoulders to the floor. "Ya done fightin', ya crazy dame?"

"You wish!" I grimaced. I shoved on Wheezy's right shoulder and tumbled over him. I pinned _him_ to the floor by his shoulders. By this point the Psycho, Stupid, and Greasy were laughing hysterically, like seeing Wheezy getting beat up by a girl was the funniest thing ever.

"STOP LAUGHIN'!" Smart Ass yelled, massaging his throat. "One of these days you're gonna die laughin'!" He walked over to Wheezy and me and yanked me off him by my collar. "And _you_ mind yer Ps and Qs, missy, or you'll find yerself in there _with_ that ditzy gal." He pointed at the window. I took a look at the scene inside the test room and burst out laughing. "What?!" Smart Ass shouted irritably.

"Look!" I grinned. Smart Ass turned his head and his eyes popped out.

"H-How…?" his voice trailed off.

Hyper was standing in the middle of the room. Smoke was clearing and she was staring at the unconscious bodies of the human beings around her. For a second, I thought they were dead, but upon closer inspection, I saw that all the gunners had little, muli-colored plumes coming out of their arms and legs: tranquilizer darts.

"YES!" I rejoiced, leaping up and down. "She passed the test!" I ran out of the room and opened the crawlspace door. "Hypes! You passed!"

"I passed?" Hyper asked excitedly. I nodded vigorously. "OH MY GOSH! I PASSED!" She started jumping up and down, squealing. For once, I let go of my cool and started squealing too.

"AAHH!" we screamed together, hugging while we jumped up and down. We didn't even know each other that well, but we were already almost best friends.

"I remembered what you told me to do," Hyper smiled. "'Shoot _around_. Not _at_.' Thanks for the tip! I can't believe I'm actually a patroller now!" I gave her another hug.

"I'm so happy for ya," I grinned. "Ya shoulda seen Smart Ass's face when ya actually passed. He looked like a dead fish. When I saw that those guys had Dip guns, I thought ya were a goner."

"They had Dip guns?" Hyper asked. Her face looked horrified, but then she grinned. "Guess that means that Smart Ass is even smarter than I thought! Golly! Is he fantastic or what?"

"I'd go with what," I retorted. "He got me into a fight back in the viewin' room."

"A fight?" Hyper questioned. "Why?"

"He was bein' a jerk," I huffed, folding my arms. "I actually ended up scrappin' with Wheezy, though. He's stronger than he looks." I massaged the place on my arm where Wheezy bit me. "And he's got some killer chompers."

"I could've told you that," Hyper shrugged. Smart Ass and the other weasels slunk out of the room, all with the same grimace on their face. Obviously, they practiced.

"So ya passed," Smart Ass groaned. "I guess that means I gotta let ya in now…Congrats, Hyper. You're in the Toon Patrol."


	10. Hyper's Pancakes and Twink's Past

**CHAPTER TEN**

Over the next couple of weeks, Hyper moved in. Toon Patrol had a mommy and it was hysterical. It's not like Hyper was trying to take over Smart Ass's leadership, but she cared about the boys. And that was enough to drive all of the others (except for Psycho, who was already there) crazy.

Besides the sheer pleasure of seeing Smart Ass's head nearly explode every time Hyper showed up, I got a friend from this experience. Every morning, Hyper got up extra early to make breakfast for the seven of us (seven including Hyper and me). And every morning, she'd wake me up "accidentally" so I could help out and we could talk.

"So what'll it be this mornin'?" I asked as Hyper and I walked into the kitchen. She tied an apron around her waist and I plopped myself in one of the chairs.

"Cinnimon pancakes," Hyper grinned. I licked my chops.

"Sounds delicious," I said. "Whadda we start with?"

"Go get me some eggs and milk from the fridge," Hyper ordered. I tipped the brim of my hat and went to do as I was told. When I returned, I plunked the stuff on the counter. "Thank you," she chirped.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Not wanting it to wake up any of the guys, I snatched it from its cradle and held it to my ears.

"Mornin'," I smiled. "Toon Patrol headquarters. What can I do ya for?"

"_Twink?_" asked a familiar voice on the other end. "_Twink, is that you?_" I slid a kitchen chair over to the wall and sat down hurriedly.

"Holy Spumoni!" I exclaimed. "Jessica? I haven't seen hide nor hair of ya since I quit the Ink 'n Paint act."

"Who is it?" Hyper asked in a hushed voice. I looked over at her and mouthed the words "_Jessica Rabbit_." Hyper's eyes widened and she nodded before going back to her pancake batter.

"So what's wrong, Jess?" I questioned, leaning back in the chair. "Ya sound a bit scared."

"_I'm so worried, Twink_," Jessica sobbed. "_They think Rodger killed Marvin Acme! My honey bunny's never killed anyone! I was hoping the Toon Patrol could sort this out._"

"Marvin Acme's been knocked off?" I gasped in disbelief. At that precise moment, Smart Ass flung the kitchen door open. The door smacked against the wall and Smart Ass looked so out of it he could jump and strangle anyone who made him mad and then never remember it. "Jess, I gotta go. I'll letcha know if anythin' turns up." I hung up the phone. "Mornin', sunshine," I teased, plastering a fake grin to my face.

"Who was that?" Smart Ass growled. "And why're ya pickin' up our phone? Ya ain't in the patrol." I did some quick thinking.

"Hyper had her hands in the dough," I shrugged. "She needed me to pick it up for 'er." Smart Ass looked like he didn't believe any of this, but he let it slide. He slid himself into another kitchen chair and propped his feet on the table.

"Marvin Acme's been rubbed out," he said nonchalantly, tipping his hat over his eyes.

"I know," I said before I could think. I smacked my paws to my mouth, hoping he didn't hear me confess.

"Ha!" he shouted. He jumped out of his chair and grabbed my shoulders. "How did ya know?" His eyes were blazing with fury. I struggled to get free, but he had taken me by surprise and his grip was too strong.

"It was Jessica Rabbit on the phone," I confessed. "She told me."

"Did she tell ya about how she's married to a criminal?" Smart Ass snapped. I struggled again because he spat on me, but I still had no luck.

"Rodger'd never kill anyone," I growled.

"How do ya know that?" Smart Ass questioned. He backed me into the wall and shoved me against it.

"Hey, cut that out!" Hyper scolded. "You and your violence, Smart Ass. Really. Can't we all just get along? Now let Twink go." Smart Ass ignored her. "Let her GO!" Hyper smacked Smart Ass over the head with a wooden spoon.

"YEOW!" Smart Ass squealed. "Okay, okay!" He let go of me and I massaged my shoulders.

"I know because I met Rodger before," I admitted. "Jessica Rabbit has been one of my best gal pals ever since we was small." Smart Ass gestured for me to sit down and spill the beans. I decided there was no way out. "I was the maid of honor at Jess's wedding."

"How would she know ya?" Smart Ass asked. "Why would Jessica Rabbit be involved with a sticky-ears?"

"Ya don't know everythin' 'bout me, Smarty," I growled. "I don't need ta tell ya all this if I don't wanna. But, I'm tellin' ya, so stop interruptin'." Smart Ass sat back and shut up. "Anyways," I sighed, continuing with my story. "When I was 'bout eight, my mom and dad deserted me. Left me high an' dry. They didn't care 'bout me no more. I was too much of a burden. So they left."

"Poor sweetheart," Hyper cooed, putting her arm around me.

"I needed ta get some cash so I could keep myself alive, so I started workin' at the Ink 'n Paint with Jessica and the others. We was phenomenal. Human bein's came from miles around ta see us gals. We was known as the Ink 'n Paint Trio: me, Jessica, and some ditzy rabbit dame named Lola. I think she ended up goin' out with Bugs Bunny."

"_The_ Bugs Bunny?" Hyper interrupted, a glimmer in her eyes.

"Yeah," I smiled. "He used ta come see our shows all the time. Anyways, that's how Jess got sweet on rabbits. For a while, everythin' was peachy. I met all the greats, both toon and human."

"Why'd ya leave?" Smart Ass inquired. He seemed suddenly interested in my story, as if this was a fairy tale instead of my life we were talking about.

"I was gettin' ta that," I scowled. "After a while, the group started fallin' apart. We were still performin' and everythin', but the gals got boyfriends. Jessica started seein' Rodger and Lola started datin' with Bugs every weekend. I was left alone, again. One night, I was asked ta fill in for Betty Boop because she was out shootin' a cameo picture. So, I was sellin' cigarettes instead of singin' up on the bandstand. There was this guy who asked me to find out somethin' about his girlfriend. He thought she was cheatin' on 'im. He was gonna pay me and I had nothin' ta do on a Saturday night. So I took the job."

"So that's why you started spying," Hyper said, now understanding my motives for being an informant.

"I found out that the dame was cheatin' on the fella, so I told 'im, he paid me, then he dumped 'er. He told me I had a good ear for hearin' things I ain't supposed ta. I figured since I wasn't goin' very far with the actin' career, I'd go for the spying. It paid better too. So I dumped the old job at the Ink 'n Paint, left all my friends, and…here I am." I spread my arms out to indicate the grimy kitchen. "Looks like _that_ did me a fat lotta good," I sighed.

Hyper walked over and gave me a hug. It was awkward and I blinked several times, biting my lower lip.

Smart Ass walked towards me and ushered Hyper away from him. He pulled up a chair to face me and sat down with a lot of force.

"Ya can cry if ya want. We won't tell no one." I gave him a hard look. "What?" he asked.

"What makes ya think that I'm gonna cry about this?" I asked. "It's in the past."

"Cuz," he shrugged. "Yer…"

"Because I'm a dame?" I stood up from my chair and stared down into his face. "I don't cry, Smart Ass. It's not something I do."


	11. Judge Doom and Wheezy Quits Smoking

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

I looked at the man standing in the doorway. I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Any guy who wears a black cape, dark shades, and asks his local cartoon police force to meet him at a shady bar in Los Angeles, California had to be up to something sinister. And, in my opinion, Judge Doom was definitely not what he seemed. Why would a human being go hire a bunch of toon weasels anyways?

"Hey, boss," Smart Ass greeted the Judge toughly. He leaned his back on the bar and folded his arms, attempting to look totally awesome and cool. "We were here on time, like ya asked."

"Thank you, Sergeant," Judge Doom replied coolly. His voice reminded me of oil running down a pipe: smooth as silk. It made me uncomfortable and I shifted back and forth in my seat, trying to push the feeling down. The Judge looked at Hyper and me questioningly. "Who are these lovely young ladies?" he asked.

"Watch it, pal," I growled in my mind, deciding to keep my lip zipped and my trap shut.

"Oh," Smart Ass blushed. "Excuse my ignormance, boss."

"'Ignor_ance_,' idiot," I corrected him in my head. "You and yer malapropisms."

"This is our newest member, Hyper," Smart Ass introduced, formally. "She passed the test 'bout a month ago." Hyper bounded forward and shook the Judge's hand excitedly.

"I'm really glad to meet you, mister! I mean, boss! I mean, Judge! I mean, Your Honor! I mean…"

"Shut up, Hypes," I muttered out of the corner of my mouth. "You're makin' a fool of yerself." The Judge turned to me and gave me a smile that sent my blood scurrying back into the middle of my body for warmth and shelter.

"And who, might I ask, is this pretty little girl?" Judge Doom questioned, grinning slyly.

"That's…"

"The name's Twinkle Toes," I snarled, cutting Smart Ass off. "I'm an informant." Judge Doom reached his hand forward and I grabbed it, shaking it harshly. I didn't want him thinking I was a sissy.

"It's an honor to meet you, Miss Twinkle Toes," the Judge purred.

Smart Ass elbowed me in the ribs, silently telling me to shut up. I knew I was probably embarrassing him by speaking out of term.

"I bet he told that Judge character that he captured me and had me under control," I thought to myself, elbowing Smart Ass back. "Well, he's got another thing comin'. I don't want Hyper involved with _this_ creeper."

"So whaddid ya need ta see us for, boss?" Smart Ass smiled meekly. Judge Doom gestured to a table and swooped towards it.

"Sit," he commanded.

"Thanks, Doom, ol' buddy, ol' pal," I grinned, plopping myself in a chair. "This's awful sweet of ya. Hey, Smarty, gonna join us?"

Smart Ass looked like his head was about to explode. He stormed over to me and nodded to Wheezy. Psycho stood up, but Greasy pulled him back down. Wheezy walked over to me, yanked me from my chair, and dragged me outside.

"Sorry 'bout _her_, Judge," Smart Ass apologized from inside. "I don't know what's gotten into 'er lately."

"After all he does for ya," Wheezy fumed as he pulled me into the parking lot, "all ya do is go around and embarrass 'im? Ya got no manners, ya crazy dame." Smoke was flowing out of him like water out of a faucet.

"Get yer paws offa me!" I exclaimed, smacking Wheezy's arms, shoulders, and (occasionally) face. "I'll call the cops!" My words registered with my brain and I inwardly rolled my eyes. How could I possibly forget that Wheezy _was_ a cop?

"Ya should've thought of that before ya shot yer mouth off in there," he snarled. "Ya don't take any of this seriously, do ya?"

"How can anyone take bein' in a gang seriously?" I sassed.

"Ya just don't get it!" Wheezy yelled. "It's not just 'bein' in a gang!' It's a test of yer mental strength and yer reflexes! It's a constant evaluation of yer listenin' skills and yer loyalty!" He was suddenly attacked by a hacking fit. He coughed and wheezed, hitting his chest with his fist. I was silent for a second.

"You're really dedicated to yer job, ain't ya?" I asked quietly. Wheezy calmed his coughing before nodding.

"Yeah," he said. "It ain't fair when anyone thinks that we don't do nothin' but sit around and cause trouble. We got an organization. We have smarts and brains."

"I guess you're right," I sighed. I looked at Wheezy as he lit another two cigarettes and puffed on his grand total of six. "But, ya ain't really helpin' yer smarts and brains by smokin' like a forest fire."

"I know," he grimaced. "I started when I was ten and I just…couldn't stop." He took a drag off his cigarettes and pulled his hat over his smoke-reddened eyes, which were now closed. I wondered if he was really hurting inside or if he was just aggravated with me, as usual.

"Have ya tried?" I asked. Wheezy nodded. He sucked on his six cigarettes again and puffed a large, perfectly circular smoke ring. He looked so professional. "_Really_?" I said again, putting my hand on his skinny shoulder. He breathed out another smoke ring and looked at his feet.

"No," he wheezed. "Not really."

"Well," I smirked, "first, ya gotta cut down." I plucked five cigarettes out of his mouth.

Immediately, Wheezy's eyes got bloodshot. He started twitching and he reached for the pack of cigarettes in his breast pocket. When they were in his paw, I snatched them away and shoved them in my own jacket pocket.

"Give me back my cigs," Wheezy pleaded. "C'mon, ya crazy dame."

"Ya get these back when ya can control yer intake," I snorted. "And if ya buy more, I'll find out."

"Twinkle Toes!" Wheezy exclaimed, reaching for my jacket pocket. "Give 'em back!"

"You're still smokin' one," I complained. "Get yer paw outta my pocket, ya pervert!"

Everything next happened in seemingly slow motion.

Wheezy twirled me around to face him.

I heard Psycho yelling something.

Suddenly, Wheezy flew away from me.

There was a strange ball of white straightjacket attached to him.

"STOP BITING ME, PSYCHO!" Wheezy yelled before falling into fits of harsh coughing.

"Hee hee hee hee!" Psycho giggled. "Baaaaad Wheezy! Hee hee!


	12. At the Ink 'n Paint

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

"What?" I said darkly. "Excuse me. For a second, I thought ya said you're gonna make me _help_ ya prove Rodger's guilty." Psycho looked at his feet, blushing.

"Sorry," he shrilled quietly.

"Who told ya ta do this?" I asked, advancing towards Psycho. He backed away, trembling. I'd never been mad at him before and I could tell I was scaring him.

"S-Smart Ass did," he cried. "I'm sorry!" I turned my back on him and I heard him slink back into his room.

"SMART ASS!" I screamed as loud as I possibly could. "GET YER LAZY BUTT OUT HERE!" I heard a thump from Smart Ass's room and he soon came storming out, the regular annoyed snarl across his face.

"WHAT?!" he spat in my face. "More than that, what makes ya think that ya can just holler and have me come runnin'? Ya ain't the boss, here, Twinkle Toes!"

"How long have ya been on this Rodger Rabbit case?" I yelled.

"A couple months," Smart Ass shrugged. "What about it?"

"HOW CAN YA COME TA ME AND TELL ME TA DO YER DIRTY WORK FOR YA?!" I exploded, slugging Smart Ass in the stomach. I followed it up by kicking him in the shin. "AND ON TOP OF THAT, YA SEND PSYCHO TA TELL ME FOR YA! YOU'RE A LOUSY COWARD!"

"OOOOWWWCCCCH!" Smart Ass cried out, hopping up and down on one foot while massaging his pained shin. "Did ya even hear what I wanted ya ta do?"

"Ya want me ta go back ta the Ink 'n Paint act and find information about Rodger from Jess," I rolled my eyes. "I ain't doin' it. Rodger's a pal of mine. I ain't seen 'im in a while, but he's still a pal. I ain't gonna send 'im ta the Dip vat if I can help it."

"He cacked Marvin Acme!" Smart Ass insisted. "The evidence is right there! How can ya say that he's innocent?"

"Cuz Rodger wouldn't hurt a fly!" I argued. "Moreover, he _couldn't_ hurt a fly. He'd hurt _himself_ in the process!"

"Just do it!" Smart Ass yelled. "Just do the dumb act!"

"NO!" I screamed, pushing him against a wall. "I ain't gonna do it!"

"YES YA ARE!" Smart Ass shouted back, spinning me around and pushing me to the wall instead.

"NO I AINT!"

"YES YA ARE!"

"NO I AINT!"

"YES YA ARE!"

. . .

"I can't believe I'm doin' this," I grimaced as I peered at my face in the dressing room mirror. I looked down at the table where my makeup was. I picked up a powder puff and rubbed red-brown blush to my cheek fur.

"I'm so glad you decided to perform with us tonight," Jessica smiled from the doorway. If she wasn't my best friend since time began, she would have cut a challenging figure.

"I can't _believe_ I'm doin' this," I repeated, slicking some red lipstick over my lips. "I ain't been up on the stage since I was a kid." I scooped up a hairbrush and started to try and tame the unruly mop on my head that I called hair.

"Oh, Twink," Jessica sighed, walking over to me. She took my shoulders and sat me down in a chair. "Twink, sweetheart, you have no idea how excited Lola and I are to be working with you again. We're so glad that you've decided to come back to the Ink 'n Paint Trio."

"I feel like I'm doin' somethin' real bad," I muttered, trying to untangle my hair with the brush. Suddenly, I felt my hair snag on something and I let out a cry. "OWCH!" I let go of my hairbrush and it dangled from the end of my ponytail. "Oh _hell_," I grumbled.

"Here," Jessica laughed lightly, "let me help." Her thin fingers weaved my frizzy hair out of the teeth of the brush. Finally, it fell on the ground with a _thunk_! "There you go," she said, satisfied. "You look very pretty."

"Thanks," I blushed. "I think ya look prettier."

"Oh I don't know," Jessica giggled, swatting the air with her gloved hand. I raised an eyebrow, looking her curvy figure up and down.

"Really, now?" I chuckled. There was a knock at the door. I turned to look. "Yeah? Um…C'mon in!" The door cracked open and a familiar, furry face edged in. "Rodger! Ol' pal!" I exclaimed, jumping up from my table. "How ya been?"

"Hey, Twink!" Rodger grinned, bounding in. He carried a bunch of toon roses in his paw.

"Hi!" they all chirped sweetly.

"Heya!" I greeted back. I turned and gave Rodger a hug. "Rodger, ya ain't changed a bit! Still yer ol' cheesy self."

"That's me!" Rodger laughed.

"Ya still workin' for Maroon Cartoons?" I asked.

"Not since Marvin Acme's murder. I'm not even allowed to show my face in public!" he grimaced. "But, I came to say 'Welcome back' to you and to say 'Good luck,' to Jessica."

"Thank you, my darling," Jessica cooed, kissing Rodger on the head between his fuzzy ears.

"Isn't she the best wife a toon could ask for?" Rodger grinned before ducking out of the dressing room.

"Well, ain't _you_ got off nice?" I smirked, glancing at Jessica sideways. "He's even cuter than I remember, Jess, and I got a memory like a real elephant." I tapped my temple. "He gonna be in the audience tonight?"

"I think so," Jessica smiled. "He said he was going to experience your 'comeback to the legitimate stage,' to quote him."

"Rodger said that?" I laughed. "Doesn't sound like 'im. How's he gonna avoid the cops?"

"He told me he was going to put on a disguise," Jessica shrugged. "I'm sure it will be brilliant enough to fool the police officers."

"Yeah," I snorted.

"Five minutes, Mrs. Rabbit," grunted a voice from outside. I remembered it well. Ever since he got fired from Miss Darla Dimple's employ, her ex-butler Max was our stage manager.

"Thank you, Max," Jessica called sweetly. She turned to me. "It's almost time for the opening number. The Trio doesn't go on until the finale…you know, because it's an old act?"

"Right, chief," I saluted. Jessica laughed before swaying out of my dressing room. After a couple seconds, there was another knock. "C'mon in!" The door popped open and Smart Ass's head appeared. "Ugh," I grimaced. "I don't need ya here. Go away."

"Is that any way ta talk ta yer fiancé?" he grinned.

"Excuse me?" I said, raising an eyebrow. "Fian-what?"

"Look, dollface," Smart Ass muttered, sliding a chair next to mine. "The boys and I needed a reason to be here. We can't just show up here when we're on a case. It'll look suspicious."

"And I suppose Greasy volunteered this idea?" I growled.

"Ya could say that," he nodded. "But I figured ya'd rather have me as a fiancé than him."

"Cocky much?" I spat. "I'd rather anyone ta _you_."

"Well," Smart Ass shrugged, "too bad. So go out there and knock 'em dead, darlin'." He leaned over and kissed my cheek stiffly. I pulled away.

"Blech!" I groaned, wiping the kiss off my cheek. "Get outta here."


	13. A Performance and An Argument

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

When I walked out on that stage for the finale, I suddenly remembered why I used to go to the shows every night. I remembered the rush of energy from the audience as they hooted…mainly for Jessica, but they were hooting just the same. I remembered the energy as I danced out on that stage in my cutesy little pink skirt and frilly, white tank top, my hair adorned with a sequin-covered, pink bow. Normally, I wouldn't be caught dead in pink, but being onstage made it just not matter anymore.

"Ladies and gentleman of the Ink and Paint club," the announcer exclaimed ecstatically, "After laboriously tracking down the missing member of our group, Twink Vasal, we are proud to present to you…Jessica Rabbit, Lola Bunny, and Twink Vasal: THE INK AND PAINT TRIO!"

The crowd absolutely exploded. Jessica and Lola danced in place, wide smiles on their faces. I danced circles around them (literally. I'm not being a jerk here.) and ended up on Jessica's right-hand side.

For once, Jessica didn't look as sexy as she normally did. Since Lola and I simply couldn't compete with Jessica looks-wise, our original manager had decided that she had to tone down. She went from looking twenty-one to looking about eighteen, like me and Lola.

We each had our jobs in the group. Since I didn't have much of a singing voice, my job was to dance. While Jessica and Lola stuck to the "step-slide-step-slide" pattern, I tore up the stage with my crazy moves. Hey, it's how I got my nickname!

Lola's job was scatting. She was fantastic at coming up with random little noises on the spot that filled the instrumental. When I met Bugs, he was utterly fascinated with Lola's gift. Sometimes, I heard the two of them making up riffs in Lola's dressing room. They were certainly a fun-loving couple.

And Jessica? Besides her sheer gorgeousness, her ability was her voice. She was definitely the best singer out of the three of us. She sang lead vocals on all our songs. And I'll tell you, the males in the audience preferred it that way.

As the song Jessica was singing came to a close, I slid into a splits position in front of her and Lola. My arms reached up to the ceiling and a huge smile found its way onto my face. The crowd exploded again and the three of us took a bow.

Suddenly, someone in the audience cried out.

"Hey! There aren't supposed to be toons in the audience! This is a toon-free place!"

"Oops," I thought to myself, grinning evilly in my mind. "Guess I forgot ta tell Smart Ass his kind wasn't allowed in here."

The mondo-sized gorilla bouncer was lumbering towards Smart Ass and the rest of the Toon Patrol. There were looks of utter terror on their six faces. I could hardly keep myself from laughing.

"Look, fella," Smart Ass chattered, trying to breeze his way out of his situation, "my fiancé's in this show! Can't a guy come see 'is gal?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rodger escaping, his disguise consisting of a gray trench-coat and a brown street hat. The hat had a wide enough brim to shadow his face and keep his cartoon identity secret.

"Good disguise," I thought, nodding my head in approval. "Certainly better than Smart Ass's." I watched as the giant gorilla toon tossed all six weasels out at once. My heart bled for Psycho, Hyper, and Stupid, who probably didn't know what they were doing there, but it was definitely a bruise on Wheezy, Smart Ass, and Greasy's egos.

From the alley where the six were booted out, I heard Psycho's crazy giggles as well as Stupid, Greasy, Wheezy, and Hyper's comparatively normal laughs. It sounded like Smart Ass landed in a pile of trash, which he was not too happy about. Despite the fact that I was gonna get it when I got back to the headquarters that night for not telling Smart Ass about Ink 'n Paint regulations, this just made my night.

. . .

"Heya, Smarty," I grinned as I walked through the front door of Toon Patrol headquarters. Since they were on a case, the front sitting room had been converted into a copper office. Everyone was asleep except Smart Ass, who was sitting behind his desk, waiting for me. I stripped off my heavier coat and threw it over his desk. He glared at me. "Have fun tonight?" I teased, sticking out my tongue.

"If I wasn't a gen'leman," Smart Ass growled, "I would strangle ya right now."

"Oh," I laughed. "So ya can get off with bein' a gen'leman, but I can't get off with bein' a lady? Sad days, Smarty. Sad days." Smart Ass stood up quickly and grabbed me by the throat. He whizzed me around, pinning me to the wall.

"And I suppose ya ain't got nothin' on the rabbit, do ya?" he sneered. "I didn't think so." He tightened his grip. I started to feel my lungs go dry.

"Lemme go, ya bully," I coughed. "So this is what it feels like to be Wheezy," I thought in spite of myself.

"Why should I let ya go?" Smart Ass snarled. "Ya ain't done yer end of the bargain." His grip loosened, but his fingers stayed around my neck.

"I ain't never agreed to yer stupid plan," I muttered. "Ya made me do it, remember…_honey_?" I added the pet-name along with a vicious glare. I wanted to bite him, but I couldn't reach quite far enough. "Speakin' of that, is this any way ta treat yer fiancé?"

"Shut up!" Smart Ass yelled. "Don't go imitatin' me! I was tryin' ta be nice for a change!"

"Sure," I smirked. "I guess you're attracted ta me. Ya wanna protect me from Greasy or somethin' dumb like that."

"I _ain't_ attracted ta ya!" Smart Ass argued. "How could I be attracted in any way ta someone as cocky, stuck-up, and traitorous as _you_?"

"Well, I guess it's okay then!" I shouted. "Cuz I ain't attracted ta _you_ either!"

"Fine," Smart Ass growled.

"Fine!" I yelled back.

"FINE!" Smart Ass exclaimed.

"**FINE!**" we shouted together. Smart Ass shoved my coat off his desk and stormed into the back of the house. I turned to the rest of the office and flopped myself on a reception area couch.

"He's a jerk," I said to myself, my head almost burning off. I rolled over and grabbed my coat from the floor, using it as a blanket. I curled myself up on the couch and slowly managed to get to sleep.


	14. Twink's Nightmare and Stupid

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

_I shook the hand of my client before reaching down to the ground to rub dust on my calloused hands. Finding a foothold, I quickly scaled the unforgiving walls of the Acme Factory. Finding an open window, I dropped down safely to the floor below._

_ Straightening my jacket, I stood up to look around. There were crates of many shapes and sizes, all filled with cartoon props and things. Sticking my nose into one of the crates, I heard someone come into the warehouse._

_ "Who's there?" I shouted, whizzing around. "C'mon! I can hear ya! I know you're in here!" I saw a familiar figure swagger around a corner. "Alright, Smart Ass," I called. "Game's up! Come out here." There was a noise as one of the boxes fell onto the hard cement floor. I followed the sound. "Okay, Smarty! Really, this is gettin' annoyin'!"_

_ I raced around the corner to see Smart Ass and the rest of the Toon Patrol, including Hyper. I bent down, half in relief and half in exhaustion. I'd never been so tired before._

_ "Oh," I panted. "It's you guys. Thank goodness. I thought somethin' bad was happenin'." Psycho stepped towards me, a long rope in his paws. "Um…Psycho? What are ya doin'?" I asked nervously. He didn't say a word, but started tying me up. "What's goin' on?" I panicked. "Hyper! Help me!"_

_ "Sorry," Hyper shrugged. "Nothin' I can do."_

_ "What?!" I cried._

_ "Boss's orders," Smart Ass snarled. "We're supposed to repose of ya now that the rabbit's been taken care of."_

_ "'_Dis_pose,' ya idiot," I growled, trying to break free. But Psycho had tied me up so tight that I could barely breathe. "And whaddya mean 'taken care of?'"_

_ Jessica stormed in at that moment. She looked angry enough to scare a whole pond of alligators into becoming vegetarians. She walked over to me and smacked me across the face._

_ "How could you, Twink?" she sobbed. "How could you turn Rodger in to these…these weasels?!"_

_ "What?!" I cried out again. "Jess! Help! I'm confused! I don't understand!" Greasy and Wheezy hooked me up to a crane._

_ "_Adios_, _chiquita_," Greasy laughed, climbing into the cab._

_ "Good riddance," Wheezy coughed, wiping the dust off his hands and taking his pack of cigarettes out of my pocket. He walked over to a huge, covered container and, with the help of Stupid, pulled the lid off to reveal…_

_ "OH MY GOD!" I shouted. "IT'S DIP!" The crane lifted me up, up, up. I struggled as hard as I could but I wasn't even making a dent in the rope. "HELP!" I screamed as loud as I could. "HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" The crane started shaking me side to side vigorously, lowering me down, down, into the vat._

I screamed, sitting up on the couch. Stupid sat next to me, a worried expression on his muzzle.

"Duh, are you okay, Twinkle Toes?" he asked. He touched my arm. "You're shakin' like a leaf."

"S-Stupid?" I practically whispered. "Ya ain't sore at me, are ya?" He thought about it for a moment and shook his head. "Oh my gosh! Thank ya, thank ya, thank ya!" I cried, hugging his neck.

"Duh, what's wrong?" he questioned, putting his arms around my back. "Did ya have a nightmare or somethin'?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"It's okay," he smiled. "I'm here. You can hug me all night if ya wanna. I don't mind."

"Thanks, Stupid," I laughed choppily. "You're a real pal."


	15. Connor and Bullshtick

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

"Sounds freaky," Hyper shrugged as I told her the plot of my dream. "But I don't think Smart Ass would wipe you out."

"I dunno," I said nervously. "He was pretty sore at me last night." I'd never been this nervous before. Suddenly, I didn't feel like I could take any of the Patrollers on in hand-to-hand combat anymore. The feeling was like a slug crawling up my esophagus.

"He may be a bit scary," Hyper smiled, "but he's not a murderer. Not when the victim is on his own team."

"But, the point is that I _ain't_ on Smart Ass's team," I emphasized. "I'm just some toon who hangs around because she got caught on a job."

Hyper paused for a moment, thinking it over. She held the spatula she was using to turn the bacon up to her head, which, in ordinary circumstances, would be considered unsanitary. But toons never shed unless it's funny.

"I bet if I asked Smart Ass if you were on his team, he'd say yes," she finally grinned.

"You're nuts," I snorted. "The only way Smart Ass would say yes would be if ya grabbed onto 'is ankles and sobbed into 'is spats. There's no way that he'd say yes of 'is own accord." Hyper reached into the betting jar and pulled out a fistful of IOU notes.

"I bet this much that he'd say yes," she giggled. I paused. "Well? Are you afraid?"

"No, I ain't afraid!" I announced boldly. I knew I was lying. I didn't want to hear for myself that Smart Ass didn't like me. The fact that he was angry with me last night didn't help. Against my better judgment, I gulped down hard and reached out to shake Hyper's paw. "Ya got yerself a bet."

I sat down at the table and thought for a few minutes. Pictures of my dream ran through my mind. It was so real. I could actually _feel_ the hot Dip simmer my fur and skin. I felt it get closer to my knees, my waist, my chin. My stupid dream was making a sissy out of me.

"G'mornin', Hyper, Twinkle Toes," Smart Ass's snide voice snarled from the doorway. I opened my eyes and blinked, hoping that the formed tears stayed where they belonged and didn't dribble down my cheeks. There was no way I would cry in front of Smart Ass.

"Good morning!" Hyper sang off-key, flipping a strip of bacon to make it sputter in the pan. "Did you have a nice night's sleep?" Smart Ass shot me a look.

"Yeah," he said blandly. He pulled up a chair and plopped down on the opposite side of the table.

"Good!" Hyper was obviously oblivious to Smart Ass's lack of morning enthusiasm. She hummed like an air-head as she flipped the bacon over and over, making the sputtering louder and louder. Finally, she stopped humming and opened her yap, not looking over at Smart Ass or me. "I think Twink has something she wants to ask you, Smart Ass."

I glared at the back of Hyper's head. How could she do that to me? I was going to ask on my own time! Smart Ass's head snapped in my direction and a snarl printed across his muzzle.

"What is it?" he growled. I gulped and told myself to stop being a sissy. I pushed the pictures from my dream out of my head and took a deep breath.

"C-Can I…?" I faltered and forgot what I was supposed to ask. "Uh…Can I…?"

"Can ya what?" Smart Ass questioned again, more impatience creeping into his voice. He was losing his temper and it showed.

"Can I join the Patrol?" I blurted out really fast. A look of shock spread over Smart Ass's face. Obviously, that was not what he was thinking I would ask. He was quiet for a really long time. He kept blinking his eyes over and over like he was trying to figure out if I was serious or not.

"Uh…Well, I have ta ask the other weasels first," he shrugged finally. Hyper bounced over to the table.

"I have no objection," she giggled, winking at me.

"I didn't think ya would," Smart Ass rolled his eyes. "I'll ask the others when they get up." Well, the others did get up after a while, but Smart Ass didn't ask. He still looked shocked and I guessed he was stalling.

I was starting to get more and more nervous as the day went on. Half-way through the day, Smart Ass told everyone to go sit in the front office. As usual, Wheezy and Smart Ass smoked while Greasy put the moves on me, Psycho protected me, Stupid stood in his corner, and Hyper bounced off the walls. Suddenly, the door knocked. Hyper, who was already up, bounded over and opened it.

"Oh!" she chirped. "Hello." There was some chatter. "Come on in." When Hyper came back in, she was followed by a young, male weasel.

He was around Hyper's age. His fur was the same coloring as a normal weasel's: brown on the back and white on the jaw and stomach. He wore a newsboy cap like the one I wore, but his was turned backwards. The blue jacket he was wearing was beat up, covered in dirt, and had several little holes in it. He looked like he was in trouble.

"Who's this, Hypes?" I asked, tilting my head to one side.

"I'll ask the questions here," Smart Ass snapped, back to his old ways of hating my guts. "Who's this, Hyper?"

I rolled my eyes. Greasy took this moment to put his muzzle by my neck and I smacked him off. Psycho growled and I patted him on the head.

"I just asked that," I snorted.

"Yeah? Well, I'm the leader and _you_ ain't even in the Patrol yet," Smart Ass sneered.

"I don't know who this is," Hyper shrugged. "He just said that he wanted to see Smart Ass." Smart Ass looked the weasel up and down before walking over to him and circling him once or twice.

"Who are ya, kid?"

"Um…My name's Connor…or is it?" the weasel stammered. "I'm looking for a job…or am I?"

"Well?" Smart Ass growled menacingly. I could tell that he thought this Conner was making fun of him. "Is it? Are ya? Cut the bullshtick!"

"It's 'bullshit,'" I muttered, blushing slightly under my fur.

"What?" Smart Ass questioned as his head whipped around to face mine.

"It's 'bullshit,'" I repeated.

"Excuse me, but who's the boss around here?"

"I'm just sayin'…"

"Keep yer trap shut," Smart Ass growled at me. "I wanna talk to ya after this is done." He turned his head back towards Connor. "You're in."

"I'm in! ….Or am I?" Connor exclaimed happily.

"Yes, ya are, Confused," Smart Ass snapped before grabbing my upper arm and dragging me outside the front office.

"It took a lot longer to get me in the gang," Hyper mused. "C'mon. I'll show you around."

Smart Ass walked me into the hallway and into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

The walls were blank except for a coat and hat hook opposite his bed. The blankets were all pink and monogrammed with his initials. For some reason, this wasn't what I expected when I pictured his bedroom.

"Listen up, Twinkle Toes," he grumbled as he turned towards me. "If yer gonna be part of the gang, ya hafta stop being so assertative all the time."

"'Assertive,'" I corrected him without thinking.

"See? This is exactly what I mean!" Smart Ass groaned. "Ya make me look bad in front of the rest of the patrol and I can't have that!"

"Pardon me for bein' smart too," I scoffed. "It's not _my_ fault that ya make yerself look like a fool."

"Damn it, Twinkle Toes!" he shouted. "I don't get it! How can a guy like me fall for a ditzy dame like ya? Ya do nothin' but make me look like an idiot!" He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me roughly towards him. His muzzle was just a few inches away from mine.

"Wh-What?" I stammered, for the first time, struck dumb.

"Ya…Ya heard me," Smart Ass whispered before leaning in and kissing me.


	16. The Final Chapter

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

It was wrong. So very wrong. I _didn't_ hold a torch for Smart Ass.

I was suddenly struck with so many confusing feelings. My stay with the Toon Patrol had become a huge problem. And as I handled all my problems, I was running away.

I knew it was wrong. I knew I had to face my problems. But I just couldn't. I never had been able to. As much as I tried to make myself a head-strong, no-nonsense weasel, I was constantly afraid of conflicts. I had to get out of here.

I pulled away from Smart Ass and gave him a stiff slap across the face before bolting out the door and into the hallway. I ran into Hyper's room and slammed the door, locking it shut.

I sat down on the bed and cried like I'd never cried before. It was worse than when I cried when my parents left me. It was worse than when I cried when I started to lose contact with Jess and Lola. It was worse than when I cried when I left the Ink 'N Paint. It was a gut-wrenching sort of cry. And it signaled that my time had come.

. . .

"Where're you going?" Connor (now known as "Confused" by the gang) asked as I slid open the window facing the back of the kitchen.

"I'm gettin' outta here and I advise ya ta do the same," I snarled. The scratches on my cheek were scabbing over into permanent scars.

"I have to tell the boss you're leaving…or do I?" Confused pondered out loud.

"Not if ya come with me," I smiled warily. "We can lose these bozos forever."

"What about Hyper? You'll miss her…or won't you?"

"O' course I'll miss Hypes," I sighed. "But it ain't worth the price of stayin'. Know what I'm talkin' about, kid?"

Confused shook his head.

"Didn't expect ya ta," I rolled my eyes. "Well, it's been nice knowin' ya." I extended my paw towards Confused. But he didn't take it. So, I withdrew my paw and slipped through the window, unseen by anyone else.

My new life had started…again.

. . .

The next morning, Hyper woke up to find a note on the kitchen counter addressed to her. She picked up the envelope and opened it to find a letter written in Twinkle Toe's handwriting.

"_Hypes-_

_I gotta go. Give Greasy a couple good slugs in the face for me and tell Wheezy to practice his poker. I'll probably meet up with him again someday. Don't bother looking for me or asking around for me. I've changed my name and my career. That's right. I've left sticky-fingering all behind me. I'm gonna miss you, pal. Give my regards to Stupid and Psycho and tell them that I'll miss them like crazy too._

_Your pal,_

_Twink"_

**THE END**


	17. Author's Note

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Hey, gang! Comickazi13, here! And you will not BELIEVE how relieved I am to finally finish this story. It's been sitting in my documents for AGES and I haven't written anything on it. I decided to give it a mystery ending because it seemed to work with Twink's character. You guys choose what happened to Twinkle Toes! Love you all and I hope to have more comments and subscribers soon on my other stories! Look at "No Biz Like Show Biz." I see that it has no searches OR hits OR comments this month! Oh NOES! Ha, ha!

Yours truly,

Comickazi13


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